My Rainbow

Today marks the National Rainbow Baby day in honor of pregnancy loss and parenting after a miscarriage. It isn’t easy. I had two miscarriages , the second being Ruby’s twin.

My first miscarriage was not something I had ever experienced before. I had just finished a wedding photoshoot and boom it hit me. In my head I was 12 weeks . The ultrasound said 8 weeks 2 days. Which means I carried that baby for 4 weeks with no signs of miscarriage until that day . September 13th.

I remember feeling very scared . My belly was even still growing you know ? Only now I realize it was possibly just swelling . Maybe my body realizing something was wrong. I was oblivious.

Alivia and Alessa , my oldest two , were so confused . In one swift movement they were being ushered to their cousins house , and I was being ushered to the hospital . Fast . Once it was all said and done the rest was just a blur. My days were spent sending Alivia off to pre-school and spending my mornings with Alessa .. majority of the time sleeping with Alessa close to me . The medication I was on made me very tired and emotionally that was all I was capable of doing. In hindsight it wasn’t very fair because Johnathon ended up spending his moments grieving taking care of Alessa and the house…. I did bare minimum. He was alone with all of our responsibilities on his shoulders . He had to go back to work much sooner . I stayed and wallowed in pity a few more weeks. Thinking of it now is painful. It was very unfair to him.

I don’t know what possessed me to take a picture of Alivia touching my now empty stomach days after having my procedure , but I felt a strong urge to document it. Maybe because it made me see that I wasn’t the only one grieivng. So I had to wipe my eyes and keep going. They needed a shoulder too. After all my kids were also expecting a baby that was now all of a sudden not there .

The day the doctor gave us the final check to make sure I had healed well , the doctor asked if we were looking at birthcontrol options or if we had planned to try right away . I was ready , but unsure of Johnathon being ready .The doctor almost didn’t get to finish the question before Johnathon said , ” Oh no we are gonna try again . ” I sighed in relief . We weren’t giving up .

Days went by and soon weeks and I said , ” By now I have to be pregnant.” I was showing signs but I also wasn’t trying to get my hopes up either. A few days before Christmas , I decided to take a pregnancy test. I sat on the toilet and just waited. It was negative. So , I cleaned myself up , and just as I turned to throw the test out , a second line appeared.

I took another one, and another one and this last time I stared at it for a good three full minutes . My eyes were burning and I slowly watched the second line appear indicating I was pregnant. Convincing myself it was a false positive , since they all three started out negative , I called the doctor the next day anyway . Just to be sure.

Our first ultrasound wasn’t until January but when we got there both a urine sample and ultrasound confirmed we were pregnant .

TRIGGER WARNING

Our ultrasound not only confirmed pregnancy , but pregnancy with twins , however Sac 1 was empty and shrinking. Sac 2 was healthy and doing well . The doctor explained that what he believed happened is that the baby didn’t develop past mostly cells and therefore absorbed back into my body . I researched this and researched this forever because I had never heard of such a thing. Your body just ABSORBS it’s underdeveloped fetus !?!?! This is where I learned about ” vanishing twin syndrome “.

I handled this miscarriage way different . I was hurt that I couldn’t have both of them but my body couldn’t physcially grieve because there that tiny body was , moving . I could hear the heart beat and everything. I don’t know … I just can’t explain it . It was like knowing I still had a baby that was still there out weighed the hurt I felt about yet another loss .

Nine entire months passed and we finally had our precious baby.

I looked at her beautiful blonde hair , her fair skin and dimples she had on each cheek and I just fell in love. I looked for features in her that I thought I would have maybe seen in the babies that I lost . In fact I still do . I watch her personality unravel and I wonder if her twin would be just like her or complete opposite. Would her other sibling be her best friend? Or protector? She’ll be three in 5 days , and fortunatley she was able to keep those beautiful blue eyes, would they all have had those blue eyes? Or was she just the lucky one? Her dad and I have brown but his is a dark beautiful shade , would I see her dad in their eyes? Do I see them in her eyes ? Were they boys? Girls ? ….

She came to me in a perfect rainbow . The storm wasn’t too hard knowing I had her just waiting to be placed in my arms. Sometimes , I would just look at her and cry . Even now I feel the familiar lump in my throat . The universe knew that through all the loss we needed her . A few months later , she was about 7 months old , we moved into our new place . We had to have bigger space with all of the different baby stuff , and our first night in we were welcomed with a double rainbow right out side our door .

Call it just another day . Call it coincidence that there were two rainbows after having two miscarriages . Call it what you would like , but even to this day I call it my rainbow.