A Letter To My Ex’s Exes

It happens every single time. Like a familiar movie set on replay and the button is stuck. There isn’t a way to stop it , pause it , forward it . It just plays over and over. It’s the same sketchy story , same routine that even I experienced myself. He scouts you out and uses you as prey . Then as fast as you can blink you all of a sudden know the children him and I share together. No introductions between you and I . You don’t know me … but you know my children. A concept that I find very odd. Something he tries time and time again to convince me is normal .In his eyes it is not my business anyway . Which honestly he is correct to an extent , but it’s not about who he is seeing , it’s about the stranger he brought into my children’s life but felt no real urge to introduce the two of us . Almost like he has something to hide. I realize now that it’s not that he truly intends to be your partner , it’s because he knows he plans to use you. Something he knows I know all too well.

He seems very involved. Very fatherly at first. Hell it even catches me off gaurd. Like , who ever this woman is brought out the good in him. The father these children deserve . Until he isn’t . You slowly see the shift , of course before I do because you’re right there in front of it all. Before you know it , your feeding them , clothing them , helping with their homework . The amazing job opportunity he had? Gone. Financial responsibility is on you . The time he didn’t have before he has now . He get’s the kids more often but guess who spends the most time with them ? You. All of a sudden you’ve not only become the sole provider for him , but now his kids too. It’s only part time , and though you vowed in your heart to love them through and through, there was no real discussion he took advantage of the heart you have .You are a helper , a fixer , a healer , a shoulder … a decent human being . So for awhile you think nothing of it after all these children are a part of the very man you love and adore . You didn’t expect this to happen but you’d do anything to be there for them and create a sense of family . For loving my children and doing anything and everything you could for them , I thank you. It wasn’t your responsibility , but the point behind you doing so is very meaningful , but I am here to tell you , you deserved better . So did my kids.

Over time those siren red flags fly higher and brighter peeping in and out of every corner. Between lies, cheating , gaslighting , and more you realize you deserve more than this, but, wait …… the kids.. It’s then you realize you’ve become parent-like to these children you fell in love with . This was great until he stopped being more of parent. By now I can sort of sense things changing and I am sort of at a loss hoping that I’m wrong this time and you guys will make it and this is just a hiccup . I’m rooting for you . I’m rooting for this for the kids . By now he has found many ways to avoid telling me he’s lost his job , I ask if he can go half on something and he doesn’t hesistate to say yes , and later I find out you were the one to have paid for it . For that I am sorry . You shouldn’t have been made to feel obligated in doing any of this . This should have been a choice made by you . A choice that would have been a partnership between the two of you as their dad and bonus mom. This extends to more than just the financial aspect of things. This extends to the care that was given to them , and the time spent with them. So much more , the financial part of this is JUST the beginning .

Once you finally feel like a boundary needs to be created , I’m sure it doesn’t go well. It never did for me either . It still doesn’t. I’m sure he made you feel like you created this entire falsified story and somehow convinced yourself that what you were experiencing was not true. This is where it leads you to have to make that difficult decision to leave for yourself. With this brings the possibility of never seeing the children you spent so much time taking care of. Don’t feel bad. I had to do the same thing . Though they are my children and of course their dad had no issues with me being their sole provider since I had been since the day they were born , I still had to decide to either stay for the sake of my children or leave for the sake of all of our mental health . The feeling of guilt was still there , still so intense but for two different reasons. I promise you did the right thing by leaving. Goodbyes are always hard regardless of any circumstance , but this time I vowed to never make my children say goodbye to any of you.

You see before , as heartbreaking as it was to watch unfold , I would have told the ex of his that it probably wasn’t a good idea to stay in their life considering how fast he recycles through women. I didn’t want my children involved in the chaos and confusion and any potential drama this may bring on . It was hard to do because I watched the joy in my daughters’ eyes drain from them instantly every time. I felt selfish not only for the sake of my children but also the other woman. They usually understood and did everything they could to make me feel safe in making that decision but the truth is I still regret it .

Who am I to take away a bond from my children ? Why do I get that right ? Why do I feel like either way I go there is no right answer ?? How dare their father ever put us in that postion , especially in the way he did . Painting himself the victim and you the villian as if I don’t remember what it’s like to be with him??? This time , I have decided that the unique bond you created with my children shouldn’t have to be severed because of an entitled selfish man . Or me. My children deserve to have you in their life and vice versa . You kept them safe with you , nurtured them as your own. My children don’t just love anyone . They chose you. It’s up to them if they wanna stay in your life. I hope that as long as this is ok, and it’s not like pouring salt on an open wound that you feel the same . If not , I honestly cannot blame you. It’s a difficult decision and like I said before who is to say which decision is the right or wrong one. ? I hope that one day the trauma you experienced, the same trauma that you and I share can be healed and that you see that you are so much more deserving than what you went through. You deserve more, my children deserve more. The love from my children should open that window for you . The love they give may not be the love you expected or imagined but it’s proof you are a human deserving of any and all love. Acceptance and value , as well as respect too.

I also want to thank you from the depths of my heart for choosing my children , for loving them unconditiionally even while fighting off the monsters both in physical form and mental and emotional form . Thank you, for you being you.