I was terrified to have you.
I was terrified to share my heart with you.
I remember taking the test in the middle of the night. I had just put Livybug to bed. I thought ,” there was just no possible way.” Alivia was going to be my one and only child. I was already torn up that I had to work and be away from her. But now …. there was gonna be you.
Your dad was working at Wendy’s when I sent him the text . It was 2 in the morning and I had no clue how I was supposed to feel. How do you deal with not only one unplanned pregnancy , but now a second one?
I even kept you a secret . Until I couldn’t anymore. My belly was growing and people were talking. It had to come out eventually . I had swelling in my feet , my belly was poking out of my once flat stomach. It was time. I was met with a lot of disappointed people . Not because of you, but because of me. Careless decisions one right after another and I had yet to have a stable life only to bring another child into this life that I had no idea how to manage.
I just went through the motions of the pregnancy each day , sort of in a cloud of uncertainty and numbness. I was scared . I was scared that I didn’t love you. I was scared of expanding my heart to fit you too. I was scared you would get here and they would put you in my arms just for me to give you back. I was scared of you.
When you took your first breathe , I cried but it wasn’t the same . I was scared to face you. I was terrified of not loving you. I heard your cry and all the fear in the world left me and I screamed ,” My baby! My baby!” and held my arms out to you. I kissed your itty bitty nose , and touched your beautiful black hair and I fell in love just the way I did with your big sister.
Now you look at me with those big green puppy eyes and my heart stretches even more each time. You’re almost seven and the only time I’ve ever been terrified is the many times you’ve landed in the E.R. . That sounds about right , second child syndrome , the rough and tumble, freak-mom-out kiddo. I’ve watched you become the most resilient kick ass little kid and I couldn’t imagine my life without you.
No one can pronounce your name , and since it’s Alessa , they think to themselves ” less is more ” and that is what helps them remember your name. I couldn’t agree more.
Alessa is more than just another kid
Alessa is more than just the second child
Alessa is more than that fearless 6 year old
Alessa is more than just an outspoken character
Alessa is gonna rule her world one day and she isn’t gonna take shit from anyone. She is going to be a force to be reckoned with.
When I watch you walk to the tumbling mat with your shoulders broad , and your head strong I see you standing tall ready to take on anything . You look like a superhero to me. I hope you realize how powerful you are and I hope you use it for good one day. In the mean time I will do the best to always love and support you. I used to be scared to love you , but loving you is all I know how to do. I love you my Alessa , everything you do in life will be absolutely amazing , and more…